HOME OFFICE, LONDON: Officials at the UK Home Office were not returning calls today, as the spread of an aggressive new pigmentation virus is said to have wrecked policy initiatives that rely on racial profiling.
The pigmentation virus has been spreading for weeks now and continues to baffle doctors.
Dubbed “Minstrel Flu” by the tabloid press, the disease has spread rapidly from the Home Counties, where it first appeared, and now affects the whole country.
The virus is know to stimulate melanocytes (the cells in the skin responsible for pigmentation) into permanent over production.
In this respect the condition is similar but opposite in effect to Vitiligo, which is responsible for depigmentation of normally dark skinned people.
The intensity of the effects can vary. For some the skin darkening may result in them being mistaken for people with a South Asian racial origin.
Others have the full “Central African” variant.
Prominent early cases included the entire leadership of the English Defence League (who claim they caught it from UKIP), and certain members of the Government.
Home Secretary Theresa May has herself bravely spoken about her diagnosis.
The highly infectious virus can be transmitted by various means.
Scientists believe that the original strain could only be spread by direct contact.
In fact it is believed that the outbreak began as the result of contamination in a batch of paper used for printing the Daily Mail.
This would explain why the first reported cases were among people with right leaning views.
The virus appears now to have mutated, however, spreading even faster on airborne particles.
Nobody is therefore safe, unless a means of immunisation can be found.
For those who have already contracted the full condition, there is no means of reversal.
Whilst doctors continue to grapple with the outbreak, the Government and Civil Servants are meanwhile posed with serious operational questions.
The operation of the UK Border Agency has until now relied on an unspoken policy of racial profiling.
Although policy is in theory applicable to all incoming migrants, regardless of colour or race, officials have found it easier to concentrate their efforts until now on people who “look foreign”, in the words of a source.
This approach has extended to a recent widely publicised Home Office initiative, swooping on persons who are suspected to be illegal migrants who have outstayed their entry visa conditions.
“We’ve not been targeting overstaying visitors and migrants from places like Australia and the United States because it doesn’t look good”, explained a UK Border Agency (UKBA) official.
“Nobody’s going to vote the Conservatives back for getting rid of a few white faces. Who would notice?”
“And how would we get the bar staff?”
The official, who had a rich lustrous brown skin, confessed that he and his colleagues had been finding it much easier to concentrate on Asians and other dark skinned people, regardless of how long they, their parents, or even their grandparents had been resident.
“OK, we were getting false positives all the time”, he admitted, “…but we felt this was just a harmless collateral effect which was proportionate, given the importance of the overall policy”.
Now things were harder though.
“Look, I’ve been stopped three times this morning just getting into work”, spluttered our informant, who claimed a long ancestry in the Guildford area.”
“It’s becoming unworkable”.
“The Police are now even stopping and searching each other off duty”.
Epidemiologists are meanwhile unsure where the virus originated.
“The Daily Mail newsprint was imported paper”, explained Dr Foster in Gloucester.
“So, for now the working hypothesis is that it came from foreigners”.