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Archive for August, 2013

Little Englanders Offered Cash To ‘Go Home’

Little England

BRITAIN: A group calling itself ‘Rational Britain’ is calling for the country’s small but significant population of Little Englanders to be offered cash incentives if they will return to their ‘Natural Homelands’.

The movement, which has has a Facebook group and almost Sixty Million UK followers, is the latest manifestation of an increasingly polarised debate about who should leave the country and to where.

Backlash

Support for the movement has mushroomed since a controversial van-based poster campaign and actions by Border Agency officials last week backfired on the organisers.

The campaign had aimed to intimidate ‘foreign-looking’ people to feel they were unwelcome, using language first coined by the National Front more than fifty years ago, and since embraced by other racist groups.

Rational Britain are instead calling for the Little Englanders to swallow their own medicine and pack their bags.

“We don’t want them here with their little-minded views” was a typical response from people on the street this week.

Not racist

Commentators have questioned whether a campaign to repatriate Little Englanders to their eponymous ‘natural homeland’ is just as racist.

“We agonised over this”, one of the organisers told us in an exclusive interview, “but we realised that it can’t be racist to be anti-racist.”

“The two cancel each other out.”

Obstacles

But the plan has met with an immediate obstacle.

Native residents of Little England say they have not been consulted and would not welcome a sudden influx of ‘foreign’ Little Englanders from the UK, regardless of their ancestry.

“The Little Englanders you have in Britain have been living there for generations. They know nothing of our true culture and it would be hard, if not impossible, to assimilate them after all this time”, said Town Mayor Virginia Hampton.

“We just don’t have the resources.”

“They would be a drain on our economy and destroy our culture.”

“You can keep them” she finished, putting down the phone.

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MistrelFluVictim

HOME OFFICE, LONDON: Officials at the UK Home Office were not returning calls today, as the spread of an aggressive new pigmentation virus is said to have wrecked policy initiatives that rely on racial profiling.

The pigmentation virus has been spreading for weeks now and continues to baffle doctors.

Pandemic

Dubbed “Minstrel Flu” by the tabloid press, the disease has spread rapidly from the Home Counties, where it first appeared, and now affects the whole country.

The virus is know to stimulate melanocytes (the cells in the skin responsible for pigmentation) into permanent over production.

In this respect the condition is similar but opposite in effect to Vitiligo, which is responsible for depigmentation of normally dark skinned people.

Varying effects

The intensity of the effects can vary. For some the skin darkening may result in them being mistaken for people with a South Asian racial origin.

Others have the full “Central African” variant.

Prominent early cases included the entire leadership of the English Defence League (who claim they caught it from UKIP), and certain members of the Government.

Home Secretary Theresa May has herself bravely spoken about her diagnosis.

Airborne

The highly infectious virus can be transmitted by various means.

Scientists believe that the original strain could only be spread by direct contact.

In fact it is believed that the outbreak began as the result of contamination in a batch of paper used for printing the Daily Mail.

This would explain why the first reported cases were among people with right leaning views.

The virus appears now to have mutated, however, spreading even faster on airborne particles.

Nobody is therefore safe, unless a means of immunisation can be found.

For those who have already contracted the full condition, there is no means of reversal.

Policy turmoil

Whilst doctors continue to grapple with the outbreak, the Government and Civil Servants are meanwhile posed with serious operational questions.

The operation of the UK Border Agency has until now relied on an unspoken policy of racial profiling.

Although policy is in theory applicable to all incoming migrants, regardless of colour or race, officials have found it easier to concentrate their efforts until now on people who “look foreign”, in the words of a source.

This approach has extended to a recent widely publicised Home Office initiative, swooping on persons who are suspected to be illegal migrants who have outstayed their entry visa conditions.

“We’ve not been targeting overstaying visitors and migrants from places like Australia and the United States because it doesn’t look good”, explained a UK Border Agency (UKBA) official.

“Nobody’s going to vote the Conservatives back for getting rid of a few white faces. Who would notice?”

“And how would we get the bar staff?”

Profiling nightmare

The official, who had a rich lustrous brown skin, confessed that he and his colleagues had been finding it much easier to concentrate on Asians and other dark skinned people, regardless of how long they, their parents, or even their grandparents had been resident.

“OK, we were getting false positives all the time”, he admitted, “…but we felt this was just a harmless collateral effect which was proportionate, given the importance of the overall policy”.

Now things were harder though.

“Look, I’ve been stopped three times this morning just getting into work”, spluttered our informant, who claimed a long ancestry in the Guildford area.”

“It’s becoming unworkable”.

“The Police are now even stopping and searching each other off duty”.

Unknown origin

Epidemiologists are meanwhile unsure where the virus originated.

“The Daily Mail newsprint was imported paper”, explained Dr Foster in Gloucester.

“So, for now the working hypothesis is that it came from foreigners”.

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Eton Moving To Salford Quays

EtonBoys

BREAKING: The famous Boys school at ETON is to be split, with half of the 323 year old Berksire establishment transferring to a new site at Salford Quays in Greater Manchester.

The move has been prompted by increasingly embarrassing displays of ignorance by the ruling classes.

It is modelled on the recent move of half of the BBC’s operations.

Geography

“We want to give the pupils a first hand appreciation of geography, among other things” explained head of communications, Sir Bullington Club.

“Our old boys have obvious gaps in their knowledge of what takes place north of Watford … well, north of Hampstead, actually”.

“We understand that jet planes go to Manchester these days, but not many private ones.”

“And how is a boy to learn about the world other than by jetting in and out?”

Fagging

Boys in the lower school are understood to have welcomed the news that they won’t need to perform fagging duties at Salford.

“We plan to outsource these duties to local youth”, says Club.

“This makes it entirely feasible to move either the whole upper or lower school, as they will no longer have this link.”

Foie Gras

The move follows extensive surveys of other potential sites. However it is believed that the proximity of the Manchester Ship Canal, and the consequent ease of importing sufficient supplies of Champagne and Pate de Foie Gras, swung votes in favour of the modern waterside district.

Boys can also be inducted straight into the BBC from school, as a first step towards their natural destiny of running everything.

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