BREAKING: REDMOND AND CUPERTINO. Computer giants Microsoft (MSFT) and Apple (AAPL) joined forces today in an unprecedented simultaneous rollout of new operating system upgrades which, it is hoped, will deter men from using Internet-enabled computers to access images of child abuse.
The new Onameter™ software is a kernel level extension to the Windows™, OSX™ and iOS™ operating systems, using recent advances in gesture detection and the built in hardware of modern computer systems to register the so-called ‘signature’ signs of masturbation
and report the material being viewed at the time.
The Windows™ upgrade will be installed during Patch Tuesday™. Apple devices will be updated immediately.
The rival companies stress that their implementations of the Onameter™ are not identical.
Each claims superior features which the other cannot provide.
Both companies stress that the feature cannot be turned off, and that they believe it will douse interest in online porn, images of child abuse and rape almost overnight.
Image, sound and motion based
In all cases the Onameter™ software works by combining signals from the laptop or mobile device’s built-in cameras and microphones to assess the likelihood that the person in front of the screen is masturbating.
Apple claims extra accuracy by combining signals from the accelerometers which are built into iPhones™, iPads™ and even some Macbook™ models.
“The accelerometer reduces the possibility of false positives creating by male users simply scratching their genitals”, explained an Apple™ executive.
Microsoft, meanwhile, claims superior results from their approach.
“We are using some really cool motion capture stuff that our guys invented for the Kinect™ and XBox™ “, enthused a representative. This allows us to register the very beginning of a wank, even before serious motion has occurred.
In either case, the operating system algorithms determine a “Masturbation Likelihood Assessment” (MLA) and send this with a screen shot and camera image to local law enforcers if a threshold value is crossed.
Both companies say the details of the algorithms and the threshold values are proprietary secrets, which each hopes will give them a competitive edge in this brand new field.
The threshold values can also be adjusted in collaboration with national police forces if there are too many false positives.
Apple promise an iPhone and iPad app for anxious wives and parents too, so that they can monitor lawful masturbatory activity by husbands and adolescent sons.
Both companies say that all new and recent operating systems and platforms will be included in the mandatory upgrade.
However, Microsoft explain that for technical reasons it is not possible to retrospectively install the upgrade on Windows 95 and 98 computers.
“We know those guys are wankers anyway”, explained a spokesman, “so the software would be going off all the time and degrade system performance”.
Apple also stressed that the software was only so far able to detect episodic masturbators, for which there are clear physical signature markers. “We can’t yet detect figurative wankers, although female customers tell us they can usually spot those anyway.”
The roll out of the new features has been cautiously welcomed by the UK Prime Minister, David Cameron, who said that attempts to disable the software would be made a criminal offence … except in Government, where separate rules apply to everything.