Tory party grandees, appalled at the public’s refusal to mourn Margaret Thatcher’s death with sufficient solemnity, have ordered a programme of flogging dissenters.
“The floggings will begin immediately” explained a spokeswoman for Number Ten.
“And they will continue until morale improves”.
Leading Tories have expressed shock that some pols, especially all those living north of the Watford Gap, did not share the official belief that Margaret Thatcher had been Britain’s greatest Prime Minister, or the greatest figure since Christ.
Shockwaves had reverberated around Whitehall when it was discovered that some pols had been having parties to celebrate the matriarch’s death, rather than repeating the officially agreed lines provided by the press office.
“This sort of thing has to stop”, claimed a source.
No new legislation is believed to be necessary for the floggings to begin.
“Margaret showed us how to go about flogging the people’s public services”
“It’s only a small step from that to flogging the people themselves”, argued an advisor.
“Most of us are Old Etonians anyway”, he continued, “We know a thing or two about flogging”.
The flogging policy will operate on the presumption of guilt, in order to avoid annoying red tape. However, citizens may escape punishment by proving their loyalty in one of a few officially sanctioned ways…
- Up to date membership of the Conservative Party
- Education at Eton, Harrow or one of a prescribed list of lesser private schools
- Possession of original share certificates in former public service institutions such as British Gas
- Proof of writing suitably sorrowful articles for the Times or Daily Telegraph
- Inability to describe the operation of Twitter