Archive for April, 2013

Regular Exercise Makes You European


Party strategists at UKIP headquarters are in turmoil this weekend after a controversial revelation that too much physical exercise makes people European.

This and other revelations conflict with the existing party view that physical exercise can stop people being homosexual.

“It’s a bit of dilemma” admitted party leader Nigel Farage.

Think tank

Both conclusions are said to have been reached on the basis of extensive evidence-free thinking by UKIP’s policy think tank and are therefore considered unimpeachable.

The influential team, which includes Gloustershire council candidate John Sullivan (pictured) is tasked with filling some of the key gaps in the party’s overall policy portfolio … aside from the obvious one of blaming everything on European people and/or institutions.

“It’s a big task”, explained Farage, “taking the party from a single policy to the point where we have .. oh .. literally dozens. The speed of the work means there are bound to be occasional inconsistencies”.

Sweet spot

The party hopes to resolve the current crisis by finding just the right amount of physical exercise required to reconcile two important policy objectives.

“Obviously homosexuality is bad”, said a spokeswoman. “We don’t generally like to say this”, she continued, “but it is what we believe”.

“Therefore our policy goal must be to encourage more physical exercise”.

“However being European is bad too. That’s our fundamental belief. It’s certainly the only one we own up to”.

“Therefore our policy goal must be to ensure people don’t have too much physical exercise”.

The party’s best brains are now being set to work on this problem, in the belief that there must be an amount of physical exercise … a “sweet spot” … which is sufficient to ward off the dreaded homosexuality without producing the even worse vice of Europhile tendencies.

A small team of party workers have volunteered to exercise in front of a two piles of DVDs. One pile contains box sets of The Killing, The Bridge, Borgen, Spiral, Inspector Montelbano and Arne Dahl. The other pile contains Julie Garland films.

A control group will exercise in front of piles of Morse and Andrew Lloyd Webber shows.

Sensitive strain gauges will measure whether the volunteers show any signs of deviation towards the European crime dramas or Dorothy.

When the right amount of exercise has been determined then this will be the party’s policy.


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Part Time Human Rights Planned


The Government has announced today a new plan to introduce part time working for Human Rights.

The plan, which will come into force next week, is intended to make Human Rights “more affordable”.

Introducing the new plan, Home Secretary Theresa May explained that full Human Rights just couldn’t be justified in the present climate.

Prime Minister David Cameron, Justice Minister Ken Clarke and herself had explored various options, she explained.

Temporary suspension

One option, widely reported, was to suspend all involvement with the European Convention of Human Rights for as long as it would take to remove Abu Qatada (and anyone else appearing a bit dodgy) from the country.

Whilst this was considered cheaper than listening to the country’s own courts, such a move seems unlikely and was, in the words of one Government source “a bit bloody obvious”.

Zoning option

Another option would have been to suspend all Human Rights on a geographic basis, she continued. This is the approach adopted by the United States in Guantanamo Bay and by various other administrations on a border wide basis.

A British implementation of zonal rights would have involved constructing a rights-free corridor between Belmarsh Prison in East London (the present location of Abu Qatada) and London City Airport, the nearest point of exit from the country.

This would involve most of the citizens of Greenwich and Woolwich forgoing the right to life and various other considerations.

Local groups had protested, however, and the costs of necessary signage on the borders of the zone were likely to be prohibitive.

Zoning would also become unworkable if the next inconvenient target of the state happened to live somewhere else.

“The country could end up with a patchwork of rights-free zones”, explained an official.

Part time rights

The idea of part time rights overcomes all these objections at a stroke.

On the one hand the system enables the government to continue to have most of the European Convention in force at all times … an effective argument to the annoying rights lobby.

On the other hand, the strict rota would also provide planning stability for those occasions when the security services needed that extra bit of freedom.

Seven day rota

The new arrangement will involve a seven day rota.

The right to life will only be suspended on Mondays.

The prohibition on torture and “inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment” will likewise be suspended all day Tuesday.

Security services are asking for a period of one hour overlap in these arrangements for ‘operational reasons’. This will operate between 11.30pm on Mondays and 12.30am on Tuesdays and has been dubbed “the Zappy Hour”.

The prohibition on slavery, servitude and forced labour was to have been lifted only on Wednesdays. However, following special pleading by Iain Duncan Smith and the Department for Work and Pensions, it has been decided to suspend this on every day except Sunday.

The right to liberty and security of the person, and the right to a fair trial, will both be suspended on Thursdays and Fridays. This will enable awkward individuals to be apprehended before the weekend and then despatched accordingly on Monday or Tuesday the following week.

Article 7 of the Convention, which prohibits the Government from retrospectively criminalising acts and omissions, will be suspended on the days when Parliament is sitting. This follows a successful trial of the idea by Iain Duncan Smith and his team at the DWP. The Government is at pains to point out that people will still have the right to be protected from such actions at weekends and through holidays and periods of recess. No real inconvenience should therefore result.

The right to privacy will only be suspended when the government has a need to check the details it holds on individuals. Most of the time people will therefore not be affected.

The right to freedom, conscience and religion will, of course, be upheld on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays … except where this may interfere with the suspension of the right to a free trial.

At present, there are no plans to routinely restrict the remaining convention rights, which include freedom of expression; freedom of assembly and association; the right to marry and found a family; or the right to effective remedy. These will just be suspended for a day or two wherever necessary.

Clear for everyone

“The new arrangements will be consistent and clear for everyone”, claimed May.

“Indeed”, she continued, “the clear rota will even make people more aware of the rights which they have, when they have them”.

The Government is convinced the new system will work. Arrangements will be monitored and reviewed. Officials hope to add Habeus Corpus to the rota if all goes successfully.

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Dorothy Arrested

Ministry of Truth


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Important Notice from the Ministry of Truth

Ministry of Truth

This is an important notice. Citizens must stop what they are doing immediately to pay attention.

It has come to the notice of the Ministry that some citizens may be confused about aspects of the history of our great departed Big Sister (All Hail to Her).

The confusion may have arisen through careless and
undisciplined listening to wrongheads.

We issue this notice in order to correct such misconceptions, so that all citizens may fully bellyfeel the correct amount of distress at this time.

Some citizens apparently believe they remember that the great one (AHTH)
was at one time removed from leadership of the party
by citizen members of the Parliament.

Right minded citizens will realise how absurd this belief must be.

Why, every citizen knows full well that Mrs Thatcher (AHTH) was the most important leader of the last century. This much has been confirmed daily by our most trusted Brotherly Beliefs Corporation and that great paper of record, The Daily Mail.

It follows, quite obviously, that party members must never have therefore perpetrated such a terrible and unnecessary act.

As such an act is unthinkable it must therefore not be thought.

(Civil code 122112-45b).

Margaret Thatcher (AHTH) was, of course, our leader
for as long as anyone will remember.

Right thinking citizens will know this.

She (AHTH) led our great nation from the time of darkness and into the enlightenment which we now all celebrate with joyful obedience each day.

Some poor citizens may have wrongdreamed of a period when this was not so.

Such citizens are deluded but can be helped.

It is your duty as good citizens to help such deluded compatriots find immediate help from the National Harmony Service (NHS), so that they may be returned to society as properly functioning hard working strivers.

So remember, these stories you may have heard about the Great One (AHTH) being removed from office by the Party cannot be true. They are illogical badthink. No party would have removed such an infallible and munificent one, would they? You know that makes sense.

Thank you for your attention. You may now return to your work. Please remember to polish the lens of your workstation.

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Relatives of the Wicked Witch of the West have filed complaints with the Daily Mail and Daily Telegraph newspapers, plus the BBC, on grounds of inconsistent standards concerning the song “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”, currently riding high in the UK charts.

A spokesman from Sue Grabbit and Runne, solicitors acting for the family of the deceased witch explained:

“Our clients are distressed by the double standards exhibited this week by the offending media organisations”.

“It is understandable that the family and friends of Margaret Thatcher might be offended by references to the lyric ‘Ding Dong the Witch is Dead’ this week. However, our clients want to know where those concerned voices were when the Munchkins were disrespectfully singing the same lyric immediately after the demise of our poor relative”.

“If it is bad taste applied to Mrs T in 2013, why did these people not make an equivalent fuss when we were grieving in 1939?”

The spokesman added, “Margaret Thatcher would have been 13 years old when this travesty of a song was first released. For all we know, she may even have sung along. We know the Daily Mail was busy at that time, deciding which side it was on; but there is no equivalent excuse for either the Telegraph or the BBC … neither of whom voiced any concerns about the disrespectfulness of the lyric, as applied to our dear departed relative”.

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Public Floggings Ordered Till People Miss Thatcher


Tory party grandees, appalled at the public’s refusal to mourn Margaret Thatcher’s death with sufficient solemnity, have ordered a programme of flogging dissenters.

“The floggings will begin immediately” explained a spokeswoman for Number Ten.

“And they will continue until morale improves”.

Off message

Leading Tories have expressed shock that some pols, especially all those living north of the Watford Gap, did not share the official belief that Margaret Thatcher had been Britain’s greatest Prime Minister, or the greatest figure since Christ.

Shockwaves had reverberated around Whitehall when it was discovered that some pols had been having parties to celebrate the matriarch’s death, rather than repeating the officially agreed lines provided by the press office.

“This sort of thing has to stop”, claimed a source.

Adapted policy

No new legislation is believed to be necessary for the floggings to begin.

“Margaret showed us how to go about flogging the people’s public services”

“It’s only a small step from that to flogging the people themselves”, argued an advisor.

“Most of us are Old Etonians anyway”, he continued, “We know a thing or two about flogging”.

Allowable defence

The flogging policy will operate on the presumption of guilt, in order to avoid annoying red tape. However, citizens may escape punishment by proving their loyalty in one of a few officially sanctioned ways…

  • Up to date membership of the Conservative Party
  • Education at Eton, Harrow or one of a prescribed list of lesser private schools
  • Possession of original share certificates in former public service institutions such as British Gas
  • Proof of writing suitably sorrowful articles for the Times or Daily Telegraph
  • Inability to describe the operation of Twitter

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Thatcher Checkout Spawns New Service Industry


News that former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was being hospitalised in private splendour at The Ritz Hotel prior to checking out one last time this week has sparked a new rush to capitalise on business opportunities in the hard pressed hospitality industry.

First to spot the opportunities were the online booking services Lastminute.com and Laterooms.com, who both cannily realised that their existing branding was eminently suited to marketing to this niche sector.

The latter is also said to be planning a spinoff, LateTombs.com, whilst an unnamed entrepreneur has already purchased the internet domain and brand LastGasp.com.

Customers will also be able to check for the best prices at soon-to-be-launched CompareTheBucket.com.

Package deals

A spokesman for a well-known hotel chain explained that checking in for the ultimate checkout was a market that had hitherto been unexplored by the industry.

“It suits our hospitality ethic perfectly”, he explained.

“Why risk the uncertainties of passing away unnoticed, surrounded only by your own faeces in an NHS hospital bed, when we can offer so much more?”.

“Don’t drink the water your flowers are in. Just ring room service for a drink at the last chance saloon”.

Opportunities are rife for package tie-ins too.

“When you’ve checked out for the last time we can check you straight in to one of our luxury tombs too.”

“With full tomb service, of course” he added cheerfully.


Those planning a package like Mrs T’s are advised to make financial arrangements well in advance.

“Think in terms of giving away a public asset to a rich friend if you want the very best” is the advice of a high class undertaker who asked not to be named.

“Share a national railway among your friends or give them a major utility if you’re serious about planning the best send off”, suggested another.

However those on more restricted budgets can still grab a budget bargain.

TravelLodge offer good bargains for the budget traveller on their final journey … with the option of final interment in the bottle skip at the rear of their conveniently located motels.

Premier Inns in Bury are also market testing similar deals, offering “A Good Eternity’s Sleep”.

And Virgin Group, who are presently buying up NHS community services, plan to offer a complete “Passing Away Day” fare package on their modern InterCity trains (one way, naturally), whisking you from your deathbed to a four star London hotel before transferring to a disused railway siding as your final station stop. The very last in luxury.

Just the beginning

These are obviously only the first moves in a market with almost unlimited potential. “Everybody has to die sometime”, remarked one City investor, rubbing his hands.

“Why bury your head in the sand about this”, he added, “… when for a small surcharge we can bury the rest”.

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