Party strategists at UKIP headquarters are in turmoil this weekend after a controversial revelation that too much physical exercise makes people European.
This and other revelations conflict with the existing party view that physical exercise can stop people being homosexual.
“It’s a bit of dilemma” admitted party leader Nigel Farage.
Both conclusions are said to have been reached on the basis of extensive evidence-free thinking by UKIP’s policy think tank and are therefore considered unimpeachable.
The influential team, which includes Gloustershire council candidate John Sullivan (pictured) is tasked with filling some of the key gaps in the party’s overall policy portfolio … aside from the obvious one of blaming everything on European people and/or institutions.
“It’s a big task”, explained Farage, “taking the party from a single policy to the point where we have .. oh .. literally dozens. The speed of the work means there are bound to be occasional inconsistencies”.
The party hopes to resolve the current crisis by finding just the right amount of physical exercise required to reconcile two important policy objectives.
“Obviously homosexuality is bad”, said a spokeswoman. “We don’t generally like to say this”, she continued, “but it is what we believe”.
“Therefore our policy goal must be to encourage more physical exercise”.
“However being European is bad too. That’s our fundamental belief. It’s certainly the only one we own up to”.
“Therefore our policy goal must be to ensure people don’t have too much physical exercise”.
The party’s best brains are now being set to work on this problem, in the belief that there must be an amount of physical exercise … a “sweet spot” … which is sufficient to ward off the dreaded homosexuality without producing the even worse vice of Europhile tendencies.
A small team of party workers have volunteered to exercise in front of a two piles of DVDs. One pile contains box sets of The Killing, The Bridge, Borgen, Spiral, Inspector Montelbano and Arne Dahl. The other pile contains Julie Garland films.
A control group will exercise in front of piles of Morse and Andrew Lloyd Webber shows.
Sensitive strain gauges will measure whether the volunteers show any signs of deviation towards the European crime dramas or Dorothy.
When the right amount of exercise has been determined then this will be the party’s policy.