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Archive for February, 2013

Rome’s Divine Franchise Under Threat

Skyward

EXCLUSIVE: Sources in Rome have revealed that, following further recent revelations and the shock resignation of its Chief Executive, ‘Pope’ Benedict , the Roman Catholic Church may be about to lose the lucrative divine franchise which it has held on to for almost two thousand years.

The sources, who don’t wish to be named, claim that relationships with the Church’s sole client, “God the Almighty”, have become strained of late … with God claiming that He hasn’t been getting the level of attention specified in His Service Level Agreement.

“God is pretty pissed off”, our source claimed.

“The deal He’s had with us has always been pretty amicable till now”.

“Granted you get a bit of gratuitous smiting occasionally, but basically it’s been a sweet deal … we talk about nothing other than our client … our client gets favourable editorials  and the top search rankings … and we get the rake-offs.”

“It’s been win-win”.

Dissatisfied

“The trouble”, continued our informant, “is that God feels the deal’s broken down over the past few years”.

“He’s been happy enough to turn a blind eye to the kiddy fiddling, the cover-ups, the politics, the embezzlement and the money laundering”.

“Nobody’s perfect is his little jest”.

“Heck, he was even even cool about the last appointment … all that Hitler Youth Stuff”.

“All in all the Almighty’s not a bad client. He’s OK with a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ approach on just about everything … including the BIG commandments. It’s all kosher. Including Kosher if you’re into that. He’s just zero tolerance on the PR angle. Like I say, God wants to be the main story in town. And, well, as you know, we’ve not been delivering”

Off message

“Basically”, continued our source, “God is an attention seeker”.

“He wants the Likes and the Retweets from his people”. “He wants to be trending all the time”

“That’s the Church’s job 24/7, with double cover on Sundays and feast days. It’s clause one in the contract. Lately, He feels his ratings are slipping … and he blames us.”

“According to God, we’ve fucked up the media plan big time. All the talk about homosexuals and keeping women out of power. All the stuff about child abuse. The stuff with our bank.”

“People are talking about these things and not about God … and God thinks we’ve outgrown our usefulness. He says why pay a bloody Pope to tweet? I can get a fucking iPhone and do that myself”.

Angry scenes

Relations are said to have come to a crisis point two weeks ago, following an angry meeting with the client on a cloud bank above North East America.

Friends of God say the Almighty gave Benedict a frosty reception and demanded he stop taking the limelight. Benedict argued back that God would be ‘nowhere’ without ‘the business’ and wanted to renegotiate the centuries old deal. God stormed off and threatened to terminate the contract there and then unless Benny resigned.

Since then, according to sources, God has not been returning any calls. A team of negotiators on horseback were dispatched to the Vatican City and basically, it is understood, negotiations have reached a point where Heaven is threatening to pull the plug.

Competitors

Pulling out of a deal with Rome would seem perfectly feasible. The arrangement is no longer exclusive in any case and sources say that God’s top team are impressed by the business background of the new head man at the Church of England, Justin Welby.

There are also rumours of a completely different kind of tie in with Google or Facebook, neither of which are believed to have had any awkward issues with young boys and homosexuals. 

If, as reported, God is principally interested in Edgerank, a deal with a modern outfit could be beneficial.

Sources are tight lipped about what the other side of the deal might want in return. Facebook already owns the souls of half the human population. God may find it a tougher negotiating with Mark Zuckerberg (who has foresworn sainthood) than with Saint Peter.

Time will tell.

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