Now that Scientists at CERN appear to have found a particle matching the description of the elusive Higgs Boson, the hunt is on for an even bigger prize.
Political theoreticians have predicted for years the existence of a Particle of Truth (the so-called “Morality Particle”), believed to give substance to everything that moves in Westminster, and to basically hold things together.
Theoretical politics has made huge advances in recent years.
It has been known for many decades that all political matter is built around basic units called ambitions.
The simplest of all MPs has just one ambition. More heavyweight MPs may have 70 or 80 ambitions. Artificially created politicians can have even more ambitions, although they decay very quickly and are very dangerous.
The nucleus of ambitions is surrounded by negatively charged particles called advisors, circulating in different rings. The advisors determine how political chemistry operates … binding MPs into more complex units which have different properties and react together.
For many years that was the extent of our knowledge. Then researchers began to discover more about the composition of the ambitions themselves.
All MPs are unstable. Over time they decay, emitting highly energetic bursts of mendacity. Clearly ambitions are not the most basic units.
Gradually political scientists have pieced together more parts of the puzzle, until they came up with a grand theory of everything.
By engineering collisions between MPs, it was found that elementary particles of Bullshit and Hubris would shoot out. These were detected in special Think Tanks.
Collectively the sub-atomic particles are known as Quirks … and any collection of Quirks is called a Hardon.
The problem was the mystery of why these particles stick together as ambitions, rather than just flying around at the speed of light.
The theoretical political model postulated the existence of another particle, as yet unobserved, which glues things together and lends any weight to things.
This much was determined decades ago using quite basic devices for smashing MPs together. To delve deeper requires much more powerful collisions though, involving the Hardons.
The proposal is to build a so-called ‘Accelerator’ around the Westminster village. MPs will be inserted into this circular construction and excited to move at high speeds by the presence of used fivers and directorships.
The MPs will spin in different directions. Devices called Whips will ensure that their Hardons don’t collide until accelerated to the desired speed.
Detectors will be created at various points around the ring. Two have been proposed so far.
The BBC detector (already built) is packed with journalists arranged to detect the Bullshit, Hubris and more elusive particles as they fly off.
A second ‘enquiry’ detector is subject to contentious debates about how best to build it and what sort of detectors to use.
Building the Large Hardon Collider is an enormously ambitious project, which will take Billions of Pounds and many years to perfect.
Not everyone is happy about building the accelerator. Some are afraid that when it is switched on it will create a political Black Hole, into which the whole of creation will be sucked. Such fears are dismissed.
It is hoped, however, that if big enough collisions can be created, with enough energy, some evidence for the Particle of Truth may be detected.
A Noble Prize awaits the team who manages to pull it off.
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