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Archive for July, 2012

Lost Camera

Moon walk

A lot of people are using social media these days to reunite lost cameras with their owners.

The idea is that if enough people share or retweet an image taken from the camera, someone might recognise the photo and hence help to locate the person  who lost it.

It is with this thought in mind that we are hoping you can help us.

We found a camera on a bus today. It’s a bit dusty but, after looking through all the photos for a clear picture of a person, we found this.

If you know who took this, please put us in touch with them.

If you don’t then please share the photo with all your Facebook and Twitter contacts.

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Banking Stonewall

Attitude

It was former Barclays Chief Executive Bob Diamond who famously told a Parliamentary Select Committee last year, that “the period for remorse is over”.

He was referring to criticism of all banks for their part in crashing the global financial system and demanding massive state support because they were deemed “too big to fail”.

Diamond has now resigned. However, it his likely the corporate culture he presided over will live on.

Just Plain Daft would not be at all surprised therefore if the bank were to borrow a campaign theme from the gay rights charity, Stonewall.

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Westminster

Now that Scientists at CERN appear to have found a particle matching the description of the elusive Higgs Boson, the hunt is on for an even bigger prize.

Political theoreticians have predicted for years the existence of a Particle of Truth (the so-called “Morality Particle”), believed to give substance to everything that moves in Westminster, and to basically hold things together.

Rapid advance

Theoretical politics has made huge advances in recent years.

It has been known for many decades that all political matter is built around basic units called ambitions.

The simplest of all MPs has just one ambition. More heavyweight MPs may have 70 or 80 ambitions. Artificially created politicians can have even more ambitions, although they decay very quickly and are very dangerous.

The nucleus of ambitions is surrounded by negatively charged particles called advisors, circulating in different rings. The advisors determine how political chemistry operates … binding MPs into more complex units which have different properties and react together.

For many years that was the extent of our knowledge. Then researchers began to discover more about the composition of the ambitions themselves.

Unstable

All MPs are unstable. Over time they decay, emitting highly energetic bursts of mendacity. Clearly ambitions are not the most basic units.

Gradually political scientists have pieced together more parts of the puzzle, until they came up with a grand theory of everything.

By engineering collisions between MPs, it was found that elementary particles of Bullshit and Hubris would shoot out. These were detected in special Think Tanks.

Collectively the sub-atomic particles are known as Quirks … and any collection of Quirks is called a Hardon.

The problem was the mystery of why these particles stick together as ambitions, rather than just flying around at the speed of light.

The theoretical political model postulated the existence of another particle, as yet unobserved, which glues things together and lends any weight to things.

Accelerator

This much was determined decades ago using quite basic devices for smashing MPs together. To delve deeper requires much more powerful collisions though, involving the Hardons.

The proposal is to build a so-called ‘Accelerator’ around the Westminster village. MPs will be inserted into this circular construction and excited to move at high speeds by the presence of used fivers and directorships.

The MPs will spin in different directions. Devices called Whips will ensure that their Hardons don’t collide until accelerated to the desired speed.

Detectors

Detectors will be created at various points around the ring. Two have been proposed so far.

The BBC detector (already built) is packed with journalists arranged to detect the Bullshit, Hubris and more elusive particles as they fly off.

A second ‘enquiry’ detector is subject to contentious debates about how best to build it and what sort of detectors to use.

Big Prize

Building the Large Hardon Collider is an enormously ambitious project, which will take Billions of Pounds and many years to perfect.

Not everyone is happy about building the accelerator. Some are afraid that when it is switched on it will create a political Black Hole, into which the whole of creation will be sucked. Such fears are dismissed.

It is hoped, however, that if big enough collisions can be created, with enough energy, some evidence for the Particle of Truth may be detected.

A Noble Prize awaits the team who manages to pull it off.

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A Historic Day

Pigs Bottom

It’s a historical occasion. Apparently.

Some people who sound very clever have told us that something very like what they were looking for has been found.

We are not sure if it is exactly what they were looking for … the Higgs Boson … or something like it … perhaps a Pigs Bottom?

Nevertheless, although we can’t possibly understand why, it is very important that they may have found it.

What’s in a name

As nobody apart from the clever people can understand any of this, journalists have helpfully collaborated with scientists to give it a name we can relate to.

This approach has already proven very successful with climate change.

By calling it Global Warming we’ve all been able to safely discuss whether it seemed to be getting any warmer, and to get frustrated when it didn’t … whilst still being terrified that it might.

So, as the Higgs Boson sounds about as intelligible as a Pigs Bottom, public debate is instead focussed on the God Particle.

Debate

As it’s the God Particle, this means that radio and TV people … who have good reason to be afraid of interviewing clever people … can put microphones under the noses of people who know about God instead.

Is it the God Particle? When did God lose it? What does God think about the clever people finding it? Would God care if it turns out to be a Pigs Bottom by mistake?

And onwards

The clever people, having demonstrated how clever they are by getting governments to pay for the machine to find what nobody knew they’d lost, now have a new mission.

They first need to prove that they’ve found what they were looking for, and haven’t just announced the discovery of a Pig’s Bottom prematurely.

This will require money.

Then, when they are even more sure that they haven’t found the Pig’s Bottom, they need to study what they have found.

This endeavour will probably require a much bigger hole in the ground than the one already excavated to find the Bottom … or the Boson … sorry I’m confused.

The clever people will need to spend a lot of time on TV and Radio being unintelligible, so that the hosts talk to the God people just for something that sounds understandable.

And the Pig, meanwhile, will be sent to the abattoir.

To be continued…

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Budget Airlines To Introduce Drone Jets

DroneJet

In the never ending search for economies, some budget airline carriers are said to be planning the introduction of a new range of pilotless aircraft, based on the ‘drone’ technology rapidly taking over in military operations.

The Drone Jets are believed by the airlines to offer considerable operational advantages.

Under-utilised

“Most pilots are only needed for take-off and landing”, said a spokesman for one operator, who preferred not to be identified.

“In between those times the planes fly themselves already”, he continued.

“Our radical innovation is to take the pilots out of the cockpit and put them into the equivalent of call centres … probably in Mumbai”, he added.

Each pilot will take remote control of a plane to take off and land it from the comfort of their desk. Once they’ve handled one plane, they will move on to the next.

In this way, our contact speculated, “a single pilot can handle up to 30 planes”.

“We also save on hotels for them”.

Further savings

With no need for a cockpit, the airlines expect there will be considerably more room for seats.

At the same time one airline plans to remove the cabin crew and replace them with vending machines.

Safety measures

Safety will not be forgotten. Passengers will be trained to operate the cabin doors and emergency chutes themselves, whilst waiting to board. Extraverts will be invited to take on the task of performing the safety demonstration.

“In the event of one of our call centre pilots needing to ditch the plane we are confident that these arrangements will be fine” said the spokesman. “The passengers can only blame themselves if not”, he added.

“In the worst case we’ll also have saved all the lives of the flight and cabin crew”.

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VirginNHS

With new private sector organisations moving in to take over services for the NHS, it is inevitable that the famous NHS branding will need to adapt.

Key to branding is the colour palette used.

Richard Branson’s Virgin group is instantly recognised by the shade of red that appears on everything from record labels to airliners to trains.

Red is also, conveniently, the colour of newly oxygenated blood … a connection which the executives at Virgin Healthcare may been keen to emphasise having taken over and rebranded Assura Medical.

Already community services in parts of the country are being run by the new entrant, though managers are tight lipped over whether any move into maternity services would be branded “Virgin Births”.

In the meantime, it has been noted that Virgin Red does not sit well on letterheads or signboards with NHS blue.

One or other has to give.

We are not taking bets on which it will be.

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50 Blends of Tea

FiftyBlends

Following the startling success of the novel 50 Shades of Grey by British author E.L. James, rival publishers have been rushing copycat books to press.

Rather than emulating the former’s themes of BDSM, bondage and sadism, however, new author Theresa Wining, has taken a different approach to cash in on the publicity.

Her debut self-published novel “50 Blends of Tea” is aimed at fifty-something women who like nothing better than to lie back and fantasise in their Marks and Spencer Slanket with a cup of their favourite infused foliage.

The Protagonists

The book centres on the experiences of a young student barista, Aphasia, who falls under the powerful influence of the billionaire tea connoisseur Earl Grey.

Aphasia is unsure of how to read Grey’s advances at first, or to see what is brewing for her. It soon becomes plain, however, that she is heading for hot water.

After their first steamy night in the billionaire’s apartment, over Breakfast, our heroine is introduced to Earl Grey’s mother, Lady Grey … whom we later learn is having an affair with Bergamot, the butler.

In a smart sub-plot, designed to appeal to gay and lesbian readers, it emerges that Earl has also been involved with Bergamot.

Aphasia’s college room mate, Jasmine, is meanwhile hitting it off with Earl Grey’s brother Leaf, and is threatening to pack her bags.

Squabbles

The course of true love and healthy perversion does not run smoothly. The lovers argue over whether the milk goes in first and whether billionaire Grey should compete in the Le-Mons 24 hour race.

Aphasia also has the unwanted advances of her over-amorous friend Dodge Eling to contend with. She feels he is milking the relationship and stirring things with Earl Grey’s minder Assam.

Aphasia is under pressure meanwhile from Grey to sign a Non-Digestive Agreement (NDA), following her accidental dunking in the billionaire’s pool.

She is about to sign when called away to bail Jasmine, who has been kettled by Police whilst taking part in a Green protest on the Camomile lawn.

Crisis

Aphasia returns to the billionaire mansion to discover Earl Grey’s business empire is in trouble, and Grey in his cups. Not sure whether she can cope with his needs, our heroine decides to give it a Chai.

Having been used to urning a great deal, Grey is unable to cope with imminent destitution and goes off his trolley. Aphasia discovers him in a threesome in hot water with Tate and Lyle. For her this takes the biscuit.

Our heroine is distraught. She had planned to marry Grey and was merely waiting to be flasked.

Instead, Aphasia decides to have Grey committed, on the grounds that he is Pot Tea.

Weak

Critics have panned 50 Blends of Tea as too weak. Conversely church groups argue that it is too saucer.

T. Wining clearly knows her readers though, and leaves them stewing at the end of the book. Aphasia is seen jetting off to Ceylon with a new friend Jean Seng, whilst Grey enters a mysterious liaison with oriental business partner Lapsang Souchong. Will they ever get back together?

Who knows? The answer is in the leaves.

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