Archive for June, 2012

Banks Act Swiftly to Deal With Crime


Following the week’s revelations about bank traders colluding to fix interbank interest rates, and yet more news about inappropriate selling, bankers have acted swiftly to clamp down on what they see as the most egregious types of theft and dishonesty inside their walls.

Compliance and security teams from Britain’s top name banks convened an emergency summit on Friday at Claridges.

Following a lively power lunch, at which options were discussed, a consensus was reached.

From Monday the chains securing pens to high street counters will be replaced with new, stronger, titanium steel cables.

Customers leaving branches will also be subjected to pat-down searches to ensure they are not removing more than one deposit slip at a time.


“We are determined to come down hard on wrongdoing in our banks”, a spokesman said, straightening his designer jacket and dabbing pate de foie gras from his lips. “We want to draw a line but we can’t when all the pens have been nicked”.

Customers who persist in stealing pens and stationery will be dealt with harshly. Special courts will deal out non-nonsense custodial sentences.

“Following a period inside, however, we will consider the most ingenious crooks for positions in our trading division”.


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BREAKING: A major programme of works is being commissioned to widen all the corridors inside the Palace of Westminster.

A source revealed that the move comes after Ministers in the present Government complained they couldn’t execute U-turns fast enough in the confined spaces after announcing policies they hadn’t thought through.

Three point turns

Since forming a coalition government with Liberal Democrats in May 2010, Conservatives are believed to have executed over 30 separate U-turns in the dark panelled corridors that make up the Houses of Parliament.

The confined space means that some changes of direction have taken as much as two hours.

“We just can’t swing a policy around in a single turn” admitted one anonymous Minister, who asked to be named and then changed his mind.

“I’ve seen colleagues getting jammed trying to do hasty three point turns between the Today programme and The World at One.”

“You just can’t run a modern government in old fashioned thoroughfares like this … we want the main corridors widened to at least two lanes in either direction”.


Passers by wept.

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Biologists excited by new find

Gay Snail

Evolutionary biologists are descending on Manchester’s gay village in the hope of studying a new species of snail that appears to have developed there.

The new species, provisionally designated Helix Gayicus, is believed to have adapted to life on in the damp and verdant recesses found all along Canal Street by producing spectral pigments in its outer shell.

The rainbow colours are believed to favour the snail, which blends seamlessly with all the flags and literature that abound nearby.

Less colourful ancestors, unable to disguise themselves so effectively, have been picked off by birds.

In addition to the unmistakable colouring, Helix Gayicus is also distinguished by an inability to propel itself in a straight line.

“It has a distinct mince”, claimed one of the scientists on the scene.

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Folded Car

This is the year for synergistic collaboration between car and bicycle manufacturers.

Mercedes Benz Smart, the makers of what is already one of the world’s most compact cars has famously teamed up with bicycle engineers to come up with a rather stylish electrically assisted eBike … the first time that a car manufacturer has branched out in this way.

The eBike (a ‘Pedelec’) goes on sale this summer in Europe.

Less talked about is the industry’s effort to perfect the design for a folding car.

Fold it, carry it

Folded bikes have been a reality for many years. Best known is the ultra-compact and portable design manufactured by the British company Brompton.

Brompton bikes fold into a space little larger than one of the wheels. They can be carried as hand luggage and unfolded in seconds.

The folding car

Designers are said to be hoping for the same level of compact portability in a folding motor car.

It is not known whether the Brompton company is involved in the design. However, sources close to the project admit to teething problems with initial prototypes.

“Folding the buggers is easy”, commented a source, who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s unfolding them that’s proving to be the problem”.

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Study Suggests England Could Leave Europe


Civil Engineers and experts from moving specialists Pickfords have been engaged in secret studies to determine the feasibility of England leaving Europe, should the need arise.

The experts … brought in amidst persistent calls for a referendum on the topic … appear to show that moving the country would be feasible, but risky.

Dismantle first

Specialists have long known that any move would require the partial dismantling of the British Isles first. Smaller pieces are believed to be easier to handle with current heavy lifting equipment.

Such a plan also takes account of differences in politics. It is widely expected that Wales and Scotland would probably prefer to remain where they are. Northern Ireland is, of course, attached to Eire, and there is the complication that the Isle of Man would need to be sunk or towed to another place to make room.

Tight squeeze

Detaching England from Scotland and Wales is not thought to be the problem. The connections are weak in any case. Careful placement of charges along the borders would allow the move to begin with surgical accuracy.

The problems begin once England floats free, however.

One group of specialists believe that the solution lies with rotating the North of the country clockwise whilst simultaneously drawing it East and slightly South. This would position England in such a way that it could then be drawn gradually past the North West coast of France, pivoting the whole country around the Severn Estuary.

Critics say that this course is risky though, and could result in parts of Kent or Norfolk colliding with the Netherlands or Belgium.

In the worst case, parts of Kent could break off and become permanently lodged in Dieppe or Boulogne.

Northerly alternative

Rival engineers argue that it would be far safer to take the whole country North and East to start with, and then draw it around the Outer Hebrides before heading for the open ocean.

They argue this would have the additional benefit of scooping up all of the North Sea Oil fields on the way, snaring them in the Yorkshire and Northumberland Coast. This route would also avoid the need to sink the Isle of Wight.

Final mooring

The question of how to leave Europe is not being discussed in isolation. Other teams of specialists have been working to agree where the country should be moored.

The obvious suggestion is the other side of the Atlantic, where there are available moorings conveniently situated just off the coast near Washington DC.

The advantages are obvious, as Britons already speak a dialect of the local language. Sceptics are concerned, however, that England would then come under pressure to give up its sovereignty and adopt the US Dollar as a currency.

A more radical suggestion is that the country could be towed to a spot near the Azores. Traditionalists are worried at the risk that the English would lose the option to talk about the weather if it became too warm and sunny.

Suggestions that England could be towed to the South Atlantic and left adjacent to the Falkland Islands have been roundly dismissed by all sides.

European Reaction

Europeans appear to be sanguine about the leaked news. French sources commented that the move would open the way to move Belgium at a later stage, if the space between Scotland and Wales became vacant.

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The End is Nigh – Capitalist Version

Screen Shot 2012 06 03 at 14 29 50

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