Civil Engineers and experts from moving specialists Pickfords have been engaged in secret studies to determine the feasibility of England leaving Europe, should the need arise.
The experts … brought in amidst persistent calls for a referendum on the topic … appear to show that moving the country would be feasible, but risky.
Specialists have long known that any move would require the partial dismantling of the British Isles first. Smaller pieces are believed to be easier to handle with current heavy lifting equipment.
Such a plan also takes account of differences in politics. It is widely expected that Wales and Scotland would probably prefer to remain where they are. Northern Ireland is, of course, attached to Eire, and there is the complication that the Isle of Man would need to be sunk or towed to another place to make room.
Detaching England from Scotland and Wales is not thought to be the problem. The connections are weak in any case. Careful placement of charges along the borders would allow the move to begin with surgical accuracy.
The problems begin once England floats free, however.
One group of specialists believe that the solution lies with rotating the North of the country clockwise whilst simultaneously drawing it East and slightly South. This would position England in such a way that it could then be drawn gradually past the North West coast of France, pivoting the whole country around the Severn Estuary.
Critics say that this course is risky though, and could result in parts of Kent or Norfolk colliding with the Netherlands or Belgium.
In the worst case, parts of Kent could break off and become permanently lodged in Dieppe or Boulogne.
Rival engineers argue that it would be far safer to take the whole country North and East to start with, and then draw it around the Outer Hebrides before heading for the open ocean.
They argue this would have the additional benefit of scooping up all of the North Sea Oil fields on the way, snaring them in the Yorkshire and Northumberland Coast. This route would also avoid the need to sink the Isle of Wight.
The question of how to leave Europe is not being discussed in isolation. Other teams of specialists have been working to agree where the country should be moored.
The obvious suggestion is the other side of the Atlantic, where there are available moorings conveniently situated just off the coast near Washington DC.
The advantages are obvious, as Britons already speak a dialect of the local language. Sceptics are concerned, however, that England would then come under pressure to give up its sovereignty and adopt the US Dollar as a currency.
A more radical suggestion is that the country could be towed to a spot near the Azores. Traditionalists are worried at the risk that the English would lose the option to talk about the weather if it became too warm and sunny.
Suggestions that England could be towed to the South Atlantic and left adjacent to the Falkland Islands have been roundly dismissed by all sides.
Europeans appear to be sanguine about the leaked news. French sources commented that the move would open the way to move Belgium at a later stage, if the space between Scotland and Wales became vacant.
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