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Archive for May, 2011

Send ’em Packing at M&S

DSCN0939

The staff at Marks and Spencer really ought to be sent packing. Literally!

This last Friday I ordered three new bras from the M&S online store.

It’s not that I’m too lazy to go and visit one of their stores. It’s simply that I’ve learned from experience that they always fill their shelves with nothing but the underwired variety.

I prefer not to have steel scaffolding under my tender and impressionable protruberances and the online store offers a bigger range for what must now be regarded as a ‘specialist taste’.

Besides, their stores are a car drive away, so it seems like a more sensible idea to have things that I don’t need to try on delivered by the post office.

The Good News

First the good news. The bras arrived by Royal Mail today, and a kindly neighbour took them in whilst I was at work so I’d not have to trek to the local sorting office to collect them later.

This is one of the advantages of living in a neighbourly place. They are very kind and considerate.

Of course, I had wondered (silly me) whether Marks and Spencer might have the wit and wisdom to remove the bras from their boxes, whereupon all three could have fitted in a small jiffy bag that would have gone through the letter box and cost far less to send.

The bad news

I didn’t think they would go to quite those lengths. I was prepared for a box or a large plastic bag.

I wasn’t prepared for the hugely oversized box they chose to send my ‘Bustenhalters’ in.

You can see it in the picture. About 18 inches square and 6 inches deep. Big enough for the contents of my entire knicker drawer.

So, plus marks to Marks for delivering what I ordered in the right size and numbers quickly and efficiently.

But minus a thousand points for the huge wastage involved by using a box that was far, far too big for the purpose.

Talk about bare chested waste.

 

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Rapture’s Winners and Losers

Evangeline

As expected, today’s long forecast rapture saw more losers than winners. However, the selection criteria seem to have been tougher than most observers expected.

As the the clock turned to 6pm in each time zone around the world today, many looked expectantly towards the sky in the hope that Jesus might interpret the rules liberally and call them up to Heaven. Most seem to have been disappointed though.

Losers

The event got off to a poor start in the Pacific region where, apparently, nobody in either New Zealand or Australia was called. Forecasts of the number of Australians devout enough to qualify had always been pessimistic; however the zero tally among their Kiwi neighbours was a surprise.

The biggest shock so far has been in Rome. Neither Pope Benedict nor any of his cardinals were called. The Pontiff is reported to be “gutted” and blames various journalists for drawing the Lord’s attention to “that business with the¬†paedophile priests”.

Disappointed

In aggressively secular Britain the tally of those called to Heaven seems to have been very poor too.

The ranks of the disappointed are believed to include the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, despite bookmakers’ predictions. A spokesperson for Dr Williams confirmed that he would be “considering his options” now, in the time remaining before October 21st when the world will officially end.

Elsewhere officials say it will take several hours before numbers can be confirmed. At this stage, however, there has been only one report of anyone being spirited up into the clouds from anywhere in the United Kingdom.

The lucky winner

Witnesses outside a Sainsbury’s store in Yorkshire (God’s own county) reported seeing one shopper, a Ms Evangeline Smith, rise from the car park at just after 6pm, leaving her clothes in a small heap by the shopping trolleys. A nearby shopper, who claims to have seen what happened, said “I was gobsmacked and frankly rather disgusted. I mean, there were children there and you don’t expect to see naked women ascending in front of them”.

Mrs Smith’s neighbours say they have no idea why she was chosen. One, who did not wish to be named, complained that it wasn’t fair though. “I never saw her wash her net curtains”.

All eyes on the US

With disappointing results so far all eyes are now on the United States, where 6pm won’t arrive for another five hours.

US Treasury officials say they are concerned about the effects on the economy if the country’s disproportionately large population of evangelists are all called to Heaven at once. The Department for Transportation is urging anyone belonging to an organisation with ‘Traditional’ or ‘Family’ in the name to refrain from driving or operating machinery as the big hour approaches.

Missing

Meanwhile back in Britain there is concern that Richard Dawkins has not been seen since he popped out for a walk just before six.

A spokesman for the Christian Institute said, “God moves in mysterious ways”

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